This
is my personal sharing of divorce, how it felt for me and my experience with
it. My relationship with divorce doesn’t end. Its within me, an experience
that I still feel the impact of and continue to heal. Whilst undertaken
with an intent to finish and wrap up a painful period of separation and to
signal a readiness to move on it, it has proven to be a thorn in my side.
A wound that continues to heal.
It
became a label that I wore which unconsciously put barriers around me,
impacting how I related with self and life. Little did I realise that
this label would create negative imprints on my sense of self. Imprints
that were created from witnessing how my parents, and aunts and uncles moved
through their divorces. How the bitterness, anger, resentment and
fear became a lens from which I viewed and believed divorce to be.
Even to this day I am clearing the lenses and coming more and more from my own
internal heart centre, the knowing that there is another way to engage with
divorce. The pull of the past, which is all I had to tap into is strong
and takes diligence to keep clearing these past ties that bind me to old
paradigms of divorce.
Divorce
tapped me into deeply held religious dogma propelling me down a path of shame
and defectiveness. In Gods eyes I had broken my vows ‘till death do us
part’. I had sinned and would be punished. I was damaged
goods, unlovable and dirty. My life was done. Its pretty full
on shit. Yet the feelings were real. I don’t even know where the
hell this programming was coming from? For I had not grown up in a
religious environment, we didn’t go to Church, I wasn’t baptised or
christened. What the hell? Here I was condemning myself to a life
of self retribution based upon old biblical and religious constructs, none of
which were relevant to my life here and now. It was as if from the deep
recesses of my soul a voice bellowed these sermons to me. This
caused huge internal conflict as the woman who I know myself to be here and now
was chastised by the voices of the past. I needed to get up of my knees,
I am not kneeling to God in a church in this life time.
Divorce
is an incredibly unique and intimate experience. No two experiences
will be the same, just as no two relationships could be the same.
How could they be? A relationship is the result of two separate beings
coming together and co-creating a space that cocoons and sustains them
both. It takes on its own life force and forms its own unique
resonance. Like an embryo impregnated by the sperm that creates a foetus,
so to do two people come together to create a relationship.
Divorce
can be arrived at from many destinations from one party or both.
Whilst
divorce is the term given to the legal dissolution of a marriage it is much
much more than that. It’s a process, signifying the ending and at
the same time a beginning. The beginning of a new way of
living. It’s a label. It’s an emotional and mental
rollercoaster. It has the capability to rip apart; a force unto its
own. It can destroy and leave a tsunami of wreckage in its
wake. Its deeply personal and will shine a light on one’s internal wounding.
It will bring forth what one has been trying to keep hidden and out of
sight. It will bare your soul. Break your shell. It will pull
out from under you your once steady foundation. It’s a huge hole you
could fall into. It will take the wind out of your lungs. It has
the capacity to exhaust your nervous system. It will leave you on the
floor without a second glance.
Divorce
breaks families. Whilst its undertaken between two (or just one) person
in the marriage the impact rips apart the family that was built through this
once love centred union.
Divorce
will push you to the end and challenge you to keep going.
Divorce
is painful, messy, uncomfortable and paradoxically exquisite.
As
I continued to unravel I became closer and closer to my truth.
Quite literally I was cleansing my soul by releasing the judgment
on myself and freeing myself from ideologies and behaviours I had taken on from
other. Aligning more to my core knowing I am beginning to relate
with divorce in a whole new way. The fight against it stops. In its
place an acceptance of the outplay of my marriage. Its relating
with divorce in a healthier way and not giving my power away to it. Its
stripping away the label and in doing so fully opening to the offering divorce
provides.
It’s
an intensely powerful process that provides personal growth, healing,
integration and recalibration. It’s a reset button.
Divorce
is about adaption. Adapting to a new way, a new life. Its an opportunity to
redefine yourself. To become someone you don’t know yet. To do this means you
need to let go of everything you thought you were. The roles, the masks, the
identification and yes the dreams and ideals you had as a couple, as a wife and
mother. This takes time, care, patience and self-compassion.
It
took me many years to transcend the role of being his wife. It still pops up
every now and then. Throwing me off centre.
I
didn’t want to let go of being a wife. Here were my some of my challenges
letting go of being ‘a wife’ early on. This was written originally in 2014 only
one year into my healing journey. Perhaps you may resonant with some of my
thoughts and feelings.
“Sad,
depth, core pain.
I
loved being a wife, I lived my whole life to be a wife. I felt I was a
good wife, supportive, caring, good homemaker, lover, companion and
friend. I did my best. I sacrificed myself in order to support my
husband doing/being who he needed to be. I played my role dutifully,
purposefully with deep sense of commitment, value and respect. I was part
of a team, who had a common purpose, vision and dream.
At
some point the other part of the team resigned, left.
I
thought that was who I as. I was a wife and a mother.
As
he prepared to leave the terror I experienced was predominately tarred by me
thinking this is all I am. If I don’t have a husband, I don’t exist
anymore. I am not a wife. Terror. Panic.
Obliterated. No purpose. No need to exist.
When
he left, the world collapsed, my foundation dropped. I did not have a
husband. Yet I still thought I was a wife.
I
lived through this role for many months after he left.
Until
now.
Painfully,
I realised this was happening. I began to open up to the
possibility that I was more than a wife.
As
I allowed my sorrow, my tears, my sadness to drip further in I felt these
internal tears drop onto a vault. A vault that surrounded my
essence. It was locked tight. Protected, guarded. Never to be
opened.
Until
now.
In
order to survive, the vault had to open. The cocoon around my core had to
peel back, to evaporate to reveal who I really am.
It
was surprisingly a relatively quick, graceful, process.
‘Her’
strengths will be channelled into other areas of expression.
She
is loved, dearly respected, nurtured, cared for and revered. I love
her. I really love her.
Such
a beautiful, giving, sharing, wife.
Expression
of self. One expression.
It
is time for her to rest now.
Ah,
she can rest.
No
responsibility to her husband anymore.
God
I loved being a wife, I loved being his wife.
Big
loss, indescribable grief.
Then
intensified by another woman.
Replaced.
Depth
sense of un-lovability as a woman.
No
longer sensual, attractive to the one who was my husband.
The
wife is in so much pain, hurt, anguish which can drop into rage and the depths
of despair.
‘She’
is a tricky one to manoeuvre, this wounded wife. Constantly being
projected onto, activated, judged and suppressed. Yet playing out in any
moment of disempowerment or fear. ‘She’ sits in the ‘ocean of life’
touching all who hurt. Latching on, plugging you in to this sea of
wounding. The collective pool of unresolved, unloved and rejected pain
carried deep in the psyche. Many have swum in here before you arrived,
and many more will come.
Choosing
to remove yourself takes a willingness to ignore the pull of, the force of the
collective. There will be no praise, no support to do this. On your
own you will be.
The
female psyche has experienced much wounding, you choosing to heal your wounds
and transmute your feelings and step out of the pool is a powerful process
which leaves an imprint of love and hope for those that come after you.
Swim
in the pool, move the waters, disperse the stagnation, loosen yourself, release
these ties that bind. Leave your mark.
‘She’
feels unloved, not valued, as if her life is given to others only to have it
thrown back in her face. Rejected, expired, forgotten. All her time
and effort – her life – given away without anyone seeing. Seeing what she
gave, what she lost and what she was doing it all for. For the
family. A structure she built, valued and prized above all. Yet now
the structure is collapsing, she is left amongst the ruins.
Wondering. Why? How? When? Did this occur.
‘She’
panicked in the early stages, frantically trying to stop the deconstruct, to
patch the cracks, to keep it up alive and healthy. Then one day she
stops, looks around and realises the damage is done, the futility of trying to
stop the disintegration. She sobs uncontrollably for her loss, the pain
and sorrow. Realising it has gone. She sits still and looks
around. Tears roll down her cheeks. Her most precious possession
has gone. It will take some time until she opens her eyes, willing to see
her life, now. To contemplate moving forward, to even consider what else
could be. The void in her,in her life is huge and terrifying.
‘She’
realises this cannot be rushed. Steadily with care she will move once
more, courageously she will begin to look for signs of life and feed this new
creation. The gap within her remains. Out of sight, no one will
see. It will be carried deep within and slowly she will heal. Her
deep heart holds the scars; they cannot be removed. She will love them as
they remind her of what was, what she was and the family she had created, loved
and revered.
It is all about the foundation. A steady, reliable and solid foundation enables you to create and build. It lays the ground work upon which you grow. Your foundation must be steady. There is no room for cracks or a missed thread. When weaving it is all about layer upon layer upon layer. Each layer dependant upon the other to settle and become part of the foundation. You can’t skip a row or decided half way to stop. Each layer, each facet plays its part and must be in place before the other can commence. There is no place for bells and whistles in the foundation. Keep it clear.
As we take that within ourselves what is your foundation built upon? Is it steady? What is in it? Review your foundation – your values, your aspirations, your alignment, your priorities. What needs to change to enable your new life to be created upon. Any outdated roles, beliefs, patterns and behaviours that should be reviewed? It’s important to see what is going on in there and make the necessary modifications.
The interplay between horizontal and vertical. Its easy to look at the weave and see nothing but horizontal rows of yarn interspersed. What you don’t see is the vertical threads that enable the horizontal to be formed. Known as the warp thread, it is wrapped around the loom horizontally tied diagonally across the back. Without the warp thread, the weave cannot be woven. There is a constant interplay between the vertical and horizontal, one needs the other. There is no separation. Remove one and it all falls apart.
It’s the same with us, there is our vertical alignment from the earth at the soles of our feet all the way up and through to our connection to spirit through the top of our head. For some this is an easy one to visual, to experience. The other though is our horizontal alignment the direction we are heading, where we place ourselves, what was before and what is to come. Horizontal and vertical, an interplay that forms our foundation. The same with us, is there a constant flow between your connection to the earth and source? Is this in tune with the direction you are heading? Or is the direction you are heading out of alignment with you as source, as spirit? The two need to be aligned and working harmoniously.
The weave reveals itself thread by thread. You can’t get ahead of yourself. It creates itself moment by moment. It speaks to present-ness. Full immersion is required in each weave. It pulls you in. The yarn thread through the needle, the needle in your hand, the only place is now, the immediate weave in front of you. You can’t get ahead of yourself and start weaving up the top right, when the foundational layers haven’t been created. Whilst you can have a sense, a vision of how you want it to be and work towards that you can really only work with the one next weave that is in front of you. You must be open to this constantly changing, as you experience one colour of yarn next to another, one texture against another, the interplay between colour, texture and depth.
Like life, you can have an ideal, a goal, a direction you are heading yet at the same time you can only work with what is here right now and be open, adaptable to changing what you work with and where it will take you. Anything is possible in this space. If you sense it, give it a go. You can always change.
8am is a tad early for attending a lecture on campus at Uni. It doesn’t help when it is a cold wintry morning and the traffic was busier than usual on the freeway. My body was fatigued before it even started. With warm tea in my travel cup I walked wearily to the lecture hall. I love walking onto Campus and this is what gets me out of bed at 5.30am on these Tuesday mornings to be here on time and taking my seat. Ready to learn, expand my awareness and prioritise me.
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash
I was doing my best to wake my weary brain, listen to the lecturer, write notes and take in what he was sharing. This lecture is for the unit I am undertaking on Creative Writing. I am not overly creative at 8am in the morning, so I was simply trying to keep up in a logical manner. Listen, scribe. Listen scribe. I could read it back later this I knew. Later I could re-read, highlight notes and begin to integrate what he was sharing. It’s a process that works for me.
This morning though as I was frantically scribing, something within me (not my head) was pulling it all together like a puzzle. What was appearing in my mind’s eye was a blueprint for living.
What was being shared about the writing process could be
approached as a way to live.
Could I ‘write’ my life, not so much as with a pen and paper
(although I do feel there is something in that to explore) was the process for
writing a way to approach life? Quite
delicious to ponder.
Here are some of the pearls shared that morning:
Writing is a messy business, don’t look for the neat and tidy. One must surrender to the creative force and let those words come out. It can’t be predetermined. Neither can life. Life gets messy. Be okay with that.
Writing isn’t done in one straight line. The plot becomes clearer through the writing process. It’s not all known from the first word you written. Neither is life. Whilst we may head towards a goal or desired outcome, we will experience obstacles that lead us down other paths. Go on the path you are on, stop wishing you were on another one.
Writing is of chaos to order. You have to get in it and keep moving, keep typing or writing and the way becomes clearer. Life can’t be planned. As much as we want to be in control. The nature of life is not.
One must be completely present in the now moment, to be the open channel for the words to appear, for the story to be birthed. Same with life. Be fully present where you are. Accept where you are. Live here.
Writing keeps moving. Writing begets writing. You can’t think about it. You need to get pen to paper, or your fingers moving on the key board. Creativity requires movement. Life is of movement. As much as we may want to stay put, hide or contract when its gets hard and uncomfortable we need to keep moving.
Progress is seen retrospectively with writing. I feel this is true to the experience of life. It is important to review, to reflect and see where we have come from, what we have moved through and overcome. Celebrate where we are now.
And this most delicious piece of advice write towards what I don’t know. What a great way to engage with life. Live towards the life that I don’t know. Lean into it, be curious about where it takes me, whilst I can set a course a particular direction. It’s important to be open to possibilities.
Finally; to write, we must show up. How true for life. Are you in the drivers seat? Or are you a passenger?
Lectures start back this week, so whilst it is possible I
will begrudge the alarm going off at 5.30am I am curious to be placed once more
in an environment that feeds my soul and nourishing my mind.
Musings on the totality of experience ancestral, spiritual and physical
As I have
mentioned before I am not a scientist, nor have any bent towards this
field. And there is this incessant
preference in the world for things to be validated or proved before they can be
accepted as being ‘real’ or ‘true’. This
way has been in direct contrast to what my own internal knowing is. I don’t need to gather scientific evidence to
be in awe of the land, to feel love and the connectedness to the Planet. My own personal experience is all I need.
This conflict between the world I was presented with as a child and the one I
intrinsically knew is one I have lived with for many years. My own inner knowing of who I am and my
alignment to living a spiritually centered life doesn’t operate in
absolutes. The more I journeyed along
the spiritual path the more I realized how foreign my family was to me. I didn’t belong here. Disorienting.
I have become very astute at gauging in conversation if others are of
the same ‘bent’, and if not learning how to keep me safe.
I am not
interested in defending who I am or even in converting other. Its for all to be respected. Finding other who embraces a spiritual
centered life is rare and a kindred spirit is a gift. Out of self preservation I have kept me close
within. I learned early on in my
childhood that who I was intrinsically didn’t fit into the family way. Attempts to express myself resulted in being ostracized
and misunderstood. As out of a misguided
love lens they molded me into someone who fitted what they were and
needed. I learned to tow the line in
order to feel safe and loved.
Now over 40 years
on, its taking heaps loud of courage to begin to speak and share of me to a
wider audience. Ironically it is the
voice of spirit deep within that provided the nudge. I spent many years ignoring her delicate
nudges to be who I am, to express me and my gifts so much to the point that she
is now like a tsunami bearing down on me that can no longer be ignored. Its like that. Love has many ways. Ignore long enough and
you will be placed in a situation where you must act.
Spirituality is
not religion. Often the two get
intertwined.
A spiritual life
is one embraced with the knowing that we are more than our physical body.
It’s experiencing an interconnectedness with all that is. It’s knowing in essence, we are eternal, there is a life force within us that will continue beyond this embodiment. That there is an indwelling soul who seeks life experiences to learn, to grow, to heal and integrate for its own evolutionary growth. From this perspective everything that happens in our life, is not so much ‘to’ us but ‘for’ us. We draw towards us the experience that will assist us to grow and heal. It’s about taking our life in and transforming it into love. Nothing is by chance. It’s not about being punished. It’s about being given an opportunity to become more of who we truly are.
Ones perspective
on life becomes larger. Our lens
expanded and clearer.
We realize the
potential in every moment.
There is a
constant reflection for us.
However, when
science does catch up with the spiritual way imagine my hearts delight!
This chance
occurrence happened for me when I came across epigenetics and transgenerational
trauma. My heart skipped a beat. Here was a spiritual concept being proven
through science. That who I am here and now
is the result of what has come before me.
This life time is not in isolation.
Its connected. That what I am experiencing
in this life is not random but an opportunity to heal residue trauma. Its about becoming aware of the influence
your genetics can have yet not being solely defined by it. Its about hope of healing the pain you feel,
transmuting it and in doing so have a positive healing impact on your life and
for those to come after you. That the
way I defaulted to deal with the loss and pain associated with divorce and
grief was to some degree encoded within my genetics. That the women who came before me have shaped
who I am today. Any unresolved trauma
lies in wait in our genes and can be activated down the line waiting to be
addressed. And that perhaps whilst I
inherited a predisposition to deal with life in a particular way, they also
have a story to share and that there is a power within that story. A story that provides me with insight as to
how they overcame personal challenges, it provides me with hope that I too can
overcome and that their strength and resilience runs through me.
In learning of
their story, I begin to see a correlation.
I realize I am not alone. That
these women who came before me are imparting wisdom too.
Its appreciating
the totality of who I am and choosing what parts to continue and what needs to
be transmuted and let go off here and know.
Its recognizing that my soul seeks this integration. Its relating with the past in a healthy way
and no longer being defined by it.
Hope lies in our
ability to know we are always more then our current experience. That change is the one constant and that
whilst change is scary it is change that frees us.
Whilst many may
not see it that way, my heart knew. I
felt enraptured and full of hope that what I had felt and experience through
some of my darkest moments did have some evidence to support it. That I wasn’t just going mad but perhaps,
just perhaps my deepest personal challenges was not just ‘me ‘ into but that
there was a link a connection to all the women before me.
Hope where there
was none.
Quite often in my
darkest moments, when all hope was lost and I found myself on the bathroom
floor curled up in a fetal position on the cold tiles there was something
deeper in, beyond the human pain. It was
reaching it that was the challenge. Yet
always it was there. I just had to ride out the human anguish and suffering
long enough for her to be heard.
Who was she
though? Where did this voice come from?
The one that said “you will be okay”, the one that ethereally brushed my
brow and told me to slowly get up.
Where did this
nudge come from?
It was as if a
collective force scooped me up and help me to land on my feet. ‘they’ encouraged me to take one step, then
another, then another.
There was a connection deep out of sight that I felt but could not explain. And that is okay. A connection that healed, loved and supported.
Musings on why we are our ultimate travel destination
I am not a
scientist or would even attest to having a predisposition to the science and
math fields. Basic biology still stumps
me yet I have enough knowledge to understand my physical body, what it needs
and how it operates. I appreciate and
value it as without it I simply would not exist. I don’t need to know the finer
inner workings in order to appreciate it.
I am not an astrophysics either yet that doesn’t stop me from being in awe of the Universe. I marvel at the beauty of the planet, respect her and understand my place within it. How easy it is as humans to think we are the ones in control. Foolish and contrite. We are so miniscule on the universal scale. We are like ants within the greater scheme of life. This life just one within the universal flows. How grandiose that we think we the most singular important factor. In a world engulfed with the taking of selfies and self focus catapulted by the wave of social media we are loosing ourselves. So busy are we worrying about how we look that we don’t actually stop and look at where we are. So busy living life through a mobile phone lens we become detached from the actual experience. We become a 3rd party to the fact. Too focused on capturing a moment instead of living it.
But I digress.
I am comfortable
in an experience without needing to understand it.
I take delight in
feeling the sand between my toes and navigating the crashes of the waves as I
walk along the beach.
I am in awe of the
sun setting and the splashes of light that cover the sky.
I feel the embrace
of the moon in the darkest of night skies.
There is a
connectedness that transcend time.
I feel it all yet
I don’t need to understand it mentally.
Some things you
just know. It’s a knowing deep
within. Its not a head thing. In fact, the head can get it in the way.
Yet in a world
that prizes the intellect and seeks answers and absolutes and validation its
challenging to simply be with what is, to take comfort in your own knowing and
to live a life following the inner guidance.
In an environment
where something must be proved to be right or real or true, we are loosing the
magic. The magic of embracing our
uniqueness and the courage to bring that forth.
We are conditioned
to be part of a pack.
Squashing our
creativity, our life force and struggling against the increasing tides of
uniformity.
I am not sure
where all this is coming from or where its going. I was going to write on transgenerational
trauma but it seems we are down another path.
Go with it. Allow. Surrender.
I feel as an infant, even as far back as in-utero I was aware that I was connected to something far greater then this tiny little physical body. It was such a huge shock to experience the world I was born into. I became aware of feeling vulnerable, scared and at the mercy of those whom were my family. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to go back. Back to the love. I was trapped. I was pissed off and at the hands of other. My spark of light began to dim. The ideology of coming forth and being a way shower of love and connectedness on this planet became erased.
At key points through my infancy I remember purely out of the need for physical survival, to dim my light. To surrender to them. The pain that endured from me attempting to speak and express who I was, was too much for my body. The risk was too high. I did what I had to do. I became what they wanted and needed me to be. So they were happy so that they could give me the love they were capable of providing. I morphed into their rendition of a good girl. I became subservient, amiable. Every single choice in becoming this suffocated myself further. Deeper and deeper out of sight out of reach ‘I’ disappeared. Until that spark of unique light went out. Disconnection had occurred. Numbness many say is the absence of feeling. Trust me numb is a feeling. It effects your nervous system, your mental acumen, your ability to relate with other authentically and it colours your world into many shades of grey.
I was numb and
remained that way until life events occurred that shook me from my slumber.
Disorienting. To be woken from a slumber you have lived in
for over 30 years.
Some never wake
up.
Some, like myself
do.
There is work to
be done. Our lights must shine once
more. We must address the pain hidden
beneath the numb. Healing needs to
occur. Realignment needs to
commence. Reconnection to our true
essence, to that spark of light and love of which we are.
Unbecoming all
that we thought we were.
Its not
blissy. But the rewards are
plentiful.
Correct
identification that we are more then the human physical body. We have a body but we are not our body. Within is our spark, our eternal essence,
spirit. A powerfully loving life force
that propels us ever forward. The light
that never dies. As water is a source of
life to our body, spirit is the eternal source. Seeking to experience all of life
expressions. In various places and
time.
Residing deep
within us, in our core, our centre ‘she’ lies.
Always present. Patiently
waiting. Welcoming communion. Navigating. Championing.
In the quiet you
will hear. Through the stillness you
will feel. In the depths of your existence
you will know.
Its reaching that
still point within after years of covering it up that the task at hand.
Its unhooking
yourself from patterns that no longer serve.
Reviewing beliefs,
should’s, ought’s and ought not’s to see if they are a true reflection of your
own know.
Its having the
courage to review you in your life. What
resonates now? What doesn’t?
Its listening to
the voices in your head – who do you hear? What are they saying?
Its clearing out
the emotional baggage.
Its prioritizing
self care.
Its becoming
selfless, centered in self, not self-centered.
Its reorienting
your life expression to one fuelled through wonder, curiosity.
It’s embracing your past and not running from it.
It’s owning your story yet no longer being defined by it
It’s healing the wounds and transforming them into love.
It’s courageously every day keeping your flame alive.
It’s feeding your life source.
It’s being a way shower and the best version of yourself possible.
It’s about never forgetting who you truly are.
It’s leaving leaving a trail of love on this Planet, of which we came.
All we need to do is look at honeymoons that newly weds embark upon. It’s an opportunity for them to transition from living two single lives into a new one of union. Of taking time away from family and friends to be alone just the two of them. A time of deepening communion and laying a foundation for a new life.
hilltop town of Todi, Umbria Region, Italy 2015
The experience of a ‘gap year’ is traditionally used by school leavers to transition from high school to young adulthood. Grey nomads hit the road with their caravans in tow as they move from working life into retirement.
For me, my trip to Italy in 2015 marked a transitional process from being married to divorced. Two years after my husband and I separated I had saved enough to take myself for a few weeks to travel through Italy. My first overseas trip alone. It was scary in many moments yet as the days progressed I settled into myself in a whole new way. Its a beautiful world regardless of what one is going through personally.
In a somewhat interesting Universal play out my divorce papers were finalised in the courts whilst I was away. I left married and arrived back into the country divorced. The Universe leaving her mark on the importance of this trip.
I feel undertaking a travel journey during or following a separation and/or divorce can be a beautiful and healing process. The opportunity to take self away facilitates a transformative journey enabling one to reconnect with self in a whole new way. It enables the transition from ‘us’ to ‘I’.
The truest sense of safety come from a place so deep in you it is
out of sight. Yet it is filled with the richest of love, the purest of
insight and the warmest compassion. Once activated its brilliance
can flood light on even the darkest, coldest and scariest of places within you.
As a child my safe space was with my nan. Every school
holidays I longed to be with her, in her home surrounded by her love and embraced
by her presence. It was here where I felt accepted for who I
was. There was no fear of reprimand, abuse or isolation. Her house was
tiny, run down and in need of restoration. Did I care? No. Did I
see this? No. That tiny single fronted weatherboard house in Richmond was
a beacon of love. A refuge for a child who craved acceptance and a space
to be who she was.
As I grew this home continued to be a place of nurturance.
Eventually spreading its love to my children who quickly realised the depth of
love their great nan radiated and held for them too. Looking back love
was the only thing she had to give. She wasn’t a financially abundant
woman. Born during the Depression she grew up in an inner city suburb of
Melbourne which was heavily hit throughout this period of time. Times
were tough. She married young, supported a husband and raised 2 young
sons, lived through World War 2 and once her sons were married looked
after their children (me being one of them) through their formative
years. Family was her life, her centre and everything gravitated around
it.
It was a natural evolution for me to see family in this way
too. A product of my environment. “Blood is thicker than
water” I would hear many a time. Referring to the importance of family
and blood ties. This conditioning of your biological family being
the single and prime point of focus and safety would prove to provide me
with a constant source of reflection and reviewing opportunities as I moved
through extreme periods of loss and grief. I still come up against an
internal conflict in many moments of what is my primal importance? Where
does my biological fit in the scheme of my existence, where do I as spirit fit
in this mould? What is my centre and what do I orbit around?
I sense it is a natural necessity that a child relates with their
family as their centre and primal provider of safety. As an infant
and then a young child we have no other family as a reference point. We
experience what we have and take it as the way. We realise quickly what
we need to do to be loved, to receive care (in whatever form we can) and to
survive.
So my family, albeit not perfect was my centre. I gravitated
around my family, with my nan at the core.
As we begin to gravitate around someone else we move away from our own centre. Our reference point is no longer authentic. We can lose our ability to know who we are and make our own choices. in the incessant need to orbit around another we can unconsciously seek to be like them, live like them and perhaps become them.
In my craving for the sense of safety, security and love my nan
provided I began to mould myself. I looked to her. Like a sponge
soaking up water, I began to soak up ‘her’. I took on her perspectives,
her stories, her parameters, her way and in every single adaptation I lost more
of myself and my ability to know who I was and how to ultimately stand on my
own.
Somewhere within me I must’ve thought that if I could create the
life she had that this would make me feel safe. That the experience she
gave me could be recreated by giving myself a life she had. It seemed a
simplistic life model, one that many used to seek. Get married, have
children, support your husband (who will in return support you), run a
household, provide a home for the family, grow old together and look after
grand kids. This to me was my sign of safety. It was based around another
and the environment one live in.
As I moved through my life I rarely queried the parameters I had
put around it, around myself. I rarely looked around or stepped back far
enough to look at this model, this family through a different window. I
was in one room of a house and never ventured out. Later in life I was able to
see my nan’s life in a different light. I saw her struggles, her fears of
a husband that drank, spent many hours at the pub and in moments was
abusive. I witnessed her attempts to keep us safe in a way that she most
likely longed for. She was giving to us what she crave for herself.
I became aware of the lack of financial security that existed, yet also a
mother who gave to her sons what she could financially to ensure they had a
good life. I began to feel a woman who never allowed herself to
dream, to never ask herself what she wanted. Her life existed purely for
another. How suffocating that must’ve been. Yet I sense she never
realised she could consider something else. It wasn’t what you did
then. You took your lot in life and got on with it. She left school
at 14, worked in a shoe factory, married young. She spent her whole life
in one house, only moving out when her health deteriorated to such a point she
needed 24/7 care. As I grew and began to see her life more clearly I
realised it was her and her love that made me feel safe, not her life or the
environment.
So as I grew I fell in love with a young man who became my
husband. We married young, travelled overseas and had steady careers.
We built a home, had 3 children, went on family holidays, moved
interstate a few times. Our life together was mutually supportive and the
foundation was steady. We shared dreams and our 3rd space our
relationship, our family, our life was precious. I gave myself to it in
such a way that on reflection was unhealthy. I was doing what I thought was
necessary. I too wanted to create a family life that provided me and my
children with a sense of safety. I invested my life in my family.
Craving security from it, getting my identity through it and handing myself
over to something outside of me. I had found my new centre to gravitate.
My safe space was in my family.
When my marriage ended, it felt like I ended. My world
imploded. I had no centre. Nothing to gravitate around. I was
completely devastated and utterly lost. I had no reference point to be my
own centre, to find within myself what I needed to give myself, I had no
ability to feel safe within me for me. I had never experienced myself
like this before, I was freaking out because I didn’t know who this person was
inhabiting me. I felt like a complete foreigner. Yet for all that I
screamed no one heard, no one saw and I couldn’t get out. I was in this
experiencing in this life and I didn’t want it.
Throughout those initial despair ridden months i was surrounded by
few people.
My children by necessity were in my space. How confronting
it must’ve been for them to watch a mother crumble. A woman who
previously held a family and home together, who was efficient, functional and
always present. A woman who know could barely move, cried continuously
and was engulfed in grief that looked like it would completely swallow her
up. It wasn’t for them to save me, yet I know they tried. I had to
protect them from my experience. It was a continuous dance of feeling my
way through without impacting them too much, yet also being in the space as
they moved through their own feelings and allowing them to do so with as much
love, support and respect for them I could muster. It was tricky and
messy. I knew I needed help and it wasn’t for me as a mother to lean on
my kids for it.
We were all going through this family breakdown individually yet
also as a whole.
My external family were on the other side of the country, and
whilst my mum came over for the first week , after that we were all on our
own. I knew my kids had their friends who would provide support as
needed.
My prime support system consisted entirely of one person –
my counsellor. One sole being who stuck close by me and gave me
what I needed until I reached a point where I could start to give to
myself. Sometimes this is the way. Temporarily we may need
support from another and that is okay. I was guided to find my way
through this fog. Time and time again I was encouraged to go within
myself, deeper and deeper, feeling by feeling to discover my own answers and
truth.
She was my sounding board, my reflector, my compass, my
beacon. It was not a place of dependency, it was a space of confront
through truth, it was a place I could be messy. I felt
cocooned, embraced, championed and supported. Where every
thought, feeling, word, action, reaction, response I brought in was okay.
Everything was validated and in allowing this – I began to realise that
one of the first steps is to allow yourself to be exactly as you are. For
as long as I tried to ignore what I was really feeling and hear it and feel it
and see it and touch it – i was being untruthful to myself.
I was pushing away huge parts of myself that i didn’t want to
own. Once I was shown and encouraged to lean into myself, true healing
commended. I discovered how to hold a space for myself wherein I could be
okay with whatever was going on – I learned to listen to me, to see me. I
dove right in.
It was a space where:
the words
could just come out
the
emotions could be expressed
congruency
was beginning to establish between my inner and outer worlds
the
connection with self as a human spiritual being was strengthened
untruths i
had told myself for years were lovingly confronted
time and
time again I was encouraged to go beyond my experience and look for the gift
I would
continue to look for where my choice is in what i am experiencing
I would
rise above by going to the depths of my existence
I could
heal through compassion, nurturance and integrity
Nothing was ever skimmed over, being thorough all the way in,
nothing was left unturned.
Transformation through acceptance.
This was the space I was held in and ultimately I learnt to give
to myself.
This is the safe space.
That I have co-created and continue to nurture and respect.
In this safe space.
I am okay.
And therein began the process of creating my own safe space, a
place that already existed and in doing so began the process of finding me.
Whilst I have battled around in loss, grief in all its glory has also
given to me.
Grief is a very powerful force. It’s
intensity governed by how great your capacity has been to love another and to
be loved by another. The depths of grief is often in direct correlation
to love. This force can be destructive and will wipe you out like never
experienced before, yet it is also a creative force unlike any other.
When my marriage ended grief was my faithful companion for a couple of
years, and even now there is residue of this loss. Fighting against this
force though intensified my experience. When I allowed myself to succumb to it
and rides it waves, my experience began to change. I worked with this
creative force, through its destructive nature.
Grief reveals you. Never before had I felt
so vulnerable and exposed. I felt I was naked to all who saw me including
myself. The defences were down, I crumbled in front of my own eyes and I
had to own aspects of myself that I had spent years trying to hide. Grief
is messy, it has no timeline or structure. It doesn’t care who you are,
what you’ve done and what you have. This can be scary. Embracing
the revelation of who you actually are is a gift she gives you.
Grief is a reservoir. When I was battling
my ‘divorce grief’, I found myself feeling this loss within previous loss
experiences. My brothers death, my parents divorce, family breakdowns,
my nan’s battle with dementia it was all there within as if waiting for the
light to be shone on it. Anything that I had not previously felt and
healed was stirred up. The ‘sludge at the bottom of the pond’ is what it
felt like. Grief is like that, classic Freud – its repressed, out of
sight, unable to be dealt with until this force pushes back on itself enough so
it is brought to light.
If you are battling with grief I encourage you to get the support you
need.
For those in emergency crisis please contact Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au
or call 13 11 14.
